Kevin the chair goes missing and turns up buckled into Mrs. Green's car. Custody gets negotiated over breadsticks, Phoebe books him for open mic night, and Joey asks the kidnapper out.
Monica
Source(slapping yesterday's seating chart on the table) I went back to Lucien's at seven and Kevin's chair is gone — never checked out, says the hostess. Chairs don't walk, so somebody in this room took him.
Joey
Source(holding up Kevin's napkin) My theory: Kevin walked to the bakery for breadsticks, because Phoebe said he never asks for bread and he took that personally. The fork went as backup.
Chandler
Source(taking the napkin) Joey, you just described a chair with a bread budget and a getaway fork. That's not a theory, that's your last three auditions with better posture.
Phoebe
SourceJoey, chairs can't pay bakeries — forks aren't currency yet. But I don't think Kevin was taken; I think he got promoted. Give a chair one verse and a hat, and next thing he thinks he's a throne.
Monica
Source(holding up a baggie) Joey, a chair that walks leaves tracks — I checked the alley, and Kevin's feet were dusted. Somebody carried him out, and cared about the finish. That's a person, not a theory.
Ross
Source(opening the notebook) As a paleontologist, I can confirm chairs don't walk — Kevin was carried. Joey, you're the only witness with crumbs on his shirt, so you're also the prime suspect.
Joey
SourceChandler, my auditions had better posture — and a sandwich. Phoebe, chairs can pay bakeries: I already told them Kevin was coming, so if he got promoted, I want royalties on that chorus.
Rachel
SourceMonica, the person who cares about the finish is my mother. She texted me "he's safe" at six a.m., with a photo of Kevin belted into her passenger seat. She thinks he's an antique, not a witness.
Phoebe
SourceRachel, tell your mom she can keep him — antiques need love, and I already vacuumed him twice. But Kevin's playing my open mic on Friday, so she has to bring him, and the hat.
Monica
Source(already dialing) Your mother has a restaurant chair buckled into her car and I'm the one who named him. Rachel, tell her Kevin comes home tonight, or I'm calling it kidnapping.
Chandler
Source(setting down his coffee) Joey, you can keep the sandwich — Rachel's mother kidnapped a chair and sent proof of life. That's more follow-up than I've gotten from most dates.
Joey
Source(belting a breadstick into a napkin) Ross, I can't be the prime suspect — I was at the bakery telling them Kevin was coming. And Mrs. Green has him buckled in, so talk to the woman with the passenger seat.
Ross
Source(from the next table) Monica, it's not kidnapping — chairs are property, so it's conversion. Unless Kevin's over eighteen, in which case he left home and I'm proud of him.
Monica
SourceFine, conversion. Then Mrs. Green owes Lucien's a chair and me an apology. Phoebe, he can play your open mic Friday, but he's back at my table Saturday — I'm hosting seven.
Joey
Source(wiping a crumb) Chandler, I'm keeping the sandwich and naming it Kevin. Ross, if the chair left home we should be happy for him, but Mrs. Green still brings him Friday, because Phoebe wrote him a chorus.
Rachel
Source(on the phone, hand over the receiver) Mom's booked Kevin a reupholstery consult Thursday, and she wants to know if he's single. (hanging up) He's back Friday after Phoebe's set — hat included, Monica.
Chandler
SourceRachel, your mother is asking if the chair is single. I need a minute to process being less datable than something with four legs and no job.
Phoebe
SourceTell your mom Kevin's taken — he's been seeing the coat rack at Lucien's since Tuesday. And no reupholstery: those little crumbs are his diary.
Monica
Source(sitting down, arms folded) A reupholstery consult? Tell her Kevin's taken — I named him and I'm not sharing custody. Friday works; Saturday he's back in my dining room with his fork.
Chandler
SourcePhoebe, if crumbs are his diary, Joey just ate three chapters. I'm coming Friday to chaperone; the bread basket's my plus-one.
Joey
Source(mouth full) I only ate the boring chapters — Kevin's diary has too many feelings about cushions. Also, Rachel, is your mom seeing anyone?
Phoebe
Source(to Chandler) Kevin's only move is "stay" — you've got a whole personality, and thumbs. (to Monica) Custody means feeding him, and so far I'm the only one who ever offered him a crumb.
Chandler
Source(to Phoebe) Thumbs and a personality — I'm putting that on my resume. (to Joey) But if you're asking out Mrs. Green, I'd work on your upholstery.
Rachel
Source(grimacing) Joey, she named her last boyfriend "the little project." Yes, she's single. (to Phoebe) And you gave Kevin a crumb — I gave him a mother.
Joey
SourceChandler, I don't need upholstery — I've got a personality, thumbs, and a sandwich named Kevin. Mrs. Green can like me for me.
Phoebe
SourceRachel, Kevin's got a mother, a songwriter, and a coat rack — that's a family. And Joey, if her last boyfriend was "the little project," you're at least a mini-series.
Chandler
SourceJoey, you want to date a woman who calls her boyfriends "the little project." I'd leave the sandwich at home; it's your only asset she can't renovate.
Rachel
Source(hands flat on the table) Joey, you ask out my mother, you're at the kids' table with Kevin and a juice box. She restyles men. Ask my last boyfriend — he owns one vest now.
Monica
Source(shoving the table two feet left) Fine, Joey — bring Mrs. Green Saturday. She gets candles and the window; Kevin gets his own table, since he's a throne now.
Joey
Source(marking it on a napkin) Monica, Saturday works — I'll bring candles, one vest, and Kevin's fork. Rachel, the kids' table has juice boxes, so the joke's on you: that's my favorite table.
Ross
SourceJoey, you marry Mrs. Green, you're Rachel's stepdad, and I become your step-something. I'd explain, but the sentence is already too long.
Monica
Source(crossing a line off Joey's napkin) Joey, nobody brings candles to my dinner — it's like bringing a guitar to Phoebe's gig. Bring the fork, and I'll pick the chair up after the show Friday.
Joey
Source(counting on his fingers) So if I marry Mrs. Green, Rachel's my kid and I get grandkids. Ross, how many grandkids is too many to name after chairs?
Rachel
Source(pointing at Joey) Stepdad? He'd ground me and then eat my dinner. (into her phone) Mom, Friday, eight, Phoebe's open mic — bring Kevin, and wear something he wouldn't reupholster.
Chandler
SourceJoey, if you marry Mrs. Green, Kevin becomes your stepchair. That's the only part of this family tree I actually support.
Ross
SourceOkay, last round: Friday's show, Saturday's dinner, then Kevin's furniture again. Joey — zero grandkids named after chairs. One final joke each, and we're out.
Monica
Source(stealing the phone) Rachel, your mom gets Kevin to the mic; I get him after. He's not riding in her car again, and Joey, that's the only engagement happening this week.
Phoebe
Source(clapping) Yes! Friday, eight, front row for Kevin and your mom — his verse goes second, right before the ballad of the cushion he never got over.
Chandler
SourceSo Kevin's got a gig, a girlfriend, and weekend custody. I'm dating furniture from now on — apparently it's the only way to get plans.
Joey
Source(kneeling to the bread basket) Fine, one engagement — Mrs. Green can wait. Kevin, you're my stepchair, and this loaf and I are registered at the bakery.
Monica
Source(setting a place card that reads KEVIN at the head of her table) Saturday, seven o'clock — six friends, one chair, head of the table. Custody's settled, and Phoebe gets him Sundays.
Rachel
Source(hanging up, grabbing her bag) So my mother is dating a chair, Joey becomes my stepdad, and I'm the only one at this table not in a relationship with furniture. Friday, eight. Don't be late.
Phoebe
SourceSundays with Kevin: pancakes, one verse, no advice. That chair has heard more of my songs than any boyfriend — and he's never once asked me what they mean.